Hector: Private Dick/Family Man
Transcript Narrator: What An Animal! Hector: Private Dick/Family Man Starring Hector Moneo Aunt Vivian Jeff Moneo Bobby and Todder Moneo Grandma Angelica Sheila and Sabrina Snowflake And Adolph Playdoh (the episode begins) (episode begins) (That night) (however) (Woman screams in Woman's voice from Pink Panther) (in fear) (Runs for it) (and goes to escape) (Picks up a phone) (and goes to call for help) Cop: Hello? Voice: It's an emergency! Cop: I know who can handle that. (Presses the button) (for an idea) (Hector relaxes) (for a rest) (A light signal shows for Hector) Hector: Oh. On my way. (goes to help) (Drives off) (to the rescue) (Woman was kidnapped by the crook) (and calling for help) (He follows them to the dead end) (where they are) Hector: Let her go, Crook. Or I'll get you good. I'm doing pretty good. (goes to fight the crook) Crook: You can have her. But let's see if you can try and stop me first. Hector: Or else? Crook: I'll... Host: Pull back this curtain. (POOF) (Crowd cheered and clapped) (with delight) Hector: Well. (seems impressed) Host: That's right. It's the show live on stage. Now it takes place with Hector on stage. (Cheering) (and clapping) Hector: He'll have something he'll say about being famous. (Hector's family whispers to the Host) Hector: Well, Hector, according to your family, you're almost famous and being a hero to your buddies and family. (Vivian pulls the lever) (Hector tumbles helplessly) (Goofy hollers) (Wilhelm scream) (Hector jumps) (when he wakes up) Hector: Oh darn! Smoke! Smoke. I need smoke. (goes to smoke) (SNAP) (Hector gasps) Hector: Drat! (rubs his hand) (Back of the mouse trap says 'You're Quitting. Remember?') (Hector sighs) (Hector picks up an ash tray and sucks on it) (suddenly) Hector: There. walks onward) (Vivian was exercising) (to keep fit) Vivian: What's the matter? You look down this morning. It's okay, You can tell me about it. Hector: Well, You see, I had this dream that became bad. I don't know why. Some don't think I'm famous or... Vivian: Enough, will you? I'm on the phone. Hector: Oh. Oops. (Vivian talks on the phone) (Then hangs up) Vivian: Hector, you've got messes on the sink last night. You should really be careful what you do, so remember what you should have done. Hector: Like what? Vivian: And I hear you're smoking so much. Hector: I wasn't smoking! You can't blame on something that I wasn't doing. Vivian: Oh yeah? Well, you're the one, who messes things up by smoking. Hector: That's better. Vivian: And what did I tell you? No smoking in here. (Angelica farts) (suddenly) Hector: Darn it, Angelica. (sprays) Hector: What's with your mom, Viv? Vivian: She always farts a lot. (Hector was about to grab something) (BUMP!) Hector: Ow! Hey! (rubs his hand) Hector: Why'd you do that? Vivian: Because these are for the kids only. Hector: Fine. Then I'll make my own breakfast. Again! (sighs) (and walks away) Hector: No fats, no preservatives, no red and yellow dyes. Hmm. Shows you what happens when you let a bunch of pasty-faced, pansy-wiped scientists get you all worked up over a few carcinogens. (goes to make his breakfast) (Jeff came in) (and arrived) Jeff: Good morning, Pop. Hector: Uh... Morning son. How's school? Jeff: Just fine. Went to do fine at it. (Jeff chews breakfast, Then chokes) (and coughs) Hector: Ow! (rubs his head) Vivian: There's my stop watch. (grabs it) Hector: Gosh. (rubs himself) Bobby: No, It's not! Todder: Yes, it is! Bobby: It is not! Todder: It is too! Bobby: Your theory totally overlooks the ontological side. Todder: Well, you're just acting like a spoiled brat, along with others. Bobby: Imbecile! Todder: Moron! (They pull and tug) (together) (BUMP) (CLANG) Hector: Bobby! Todder! That's enough! You're giving me pains! Both: Sorry, Dad. Vivian: Boys, Not in front of Grandmama. Both: Oops. Both: Omelets! Morning, Grandmother. (walk onward) Hector: Okay, That's it. I've had it. For all the response I get around here, I might as well be invisible! I know your mother died. I know she left you and the house to her sister. But I still live here! I'm still the man of the house! (He turns invisible) And I demand to be heard! To be recognized! To be... (disappears) (Angelica farts) (again) Narrator: Later... (Later) Hector: So, my sister-in-law is a walking Cuisinart. My children do treat me like some kind of skin rash. At least I'm freeway-close! (walks on) (Drives off) (and away) (Car crashes) Voice: My tire! (runs away) Hector: I don't get it. I brake for animals if they're big enough to dent my car. I don't pop any zits above the eye line. I treat others the way I'd like to be treated. (steps along) (Parks) (and carries on) Hector: Tough luck sir. Get yourself a new one. (pushes on) Hector: It would just be nice for once to be noticed. Get the kind of attention I deserve. (scoffs) (Bird poops) (suddenly) Hector: Eck! (jumps out of the way) Hector: Gees. Darn bird. I deserve that too. (Walks onward and into the building) (cleans himself up) Hector: Note to myself: More thumbtacks in the bird feeder. (thinks) (Hector enters his office) (to go inside) Hector: What on earth do you want? Sheila: Hello there. Just to let you know. We've made something for you. Sabrina: Be good to your bowels and they'll be good to you. Sheila: We've also called your boss to tell us that you've been an extremely bad detective. Sabrina: You've been smoking again. Sheila: He's heard you've been smoking too much. Not much. Sabrina: End quote. Sheila: And be careful of any steal traps trying to catch you. (Hector puts a cork in Sheila's mouth): Hush up! (SNAP) Sabrina: Don't worry about us, Hector. We're pretty and cute. (BUMP) Sabrina: That Hector Moneo. He's getting a lot better expressing his emotions. (rubs herself) Hector: (went in) So what if they work for free? The last thing I need this morning is a couple of touchy-feely secretaries some cat coughed up. (arrives) Hector: Fine, thank you. Just peachy. And how are you today? Adolph: How are you? Hector: I'm doomed, Adolph, doomed to live an unnoticed life-- an anonymous drone stepped over and unappreciated till the day I die. Adolph: Is it me? Or does your cigar look good in your mouth? Hector: Are you listening to me?! I'm invisible, Al. I'm falling through the cracks without leaving a mark. Adolph: As long as you live, that is. Hector: My family ignores me, Except Jeff and Angelica. Who can blame them? I'm starting to be left out of fame and kicked out of special people. I'm just one more mongoose detective who works with a platypus and lives with the sister of his dead wife, three sons and a shy old mother-in-law who's got so much gas, she's a fire hazard. Adolph: Sure. Though there are some things that stand out about your doom. Hector: Like what? Name one thing about me that stands out, that I'll be remembered for. Adolph: Is someone that you know of? Hector: Gosh darn it! I told you. I'm useless, Not special, Not famous. And I don't even have a coffee mug with my name on it. Adolph: The dream again. It wins. For me having a current dream. Hector: Oh, Go on. Adolph: Dreaming of falling and hitting fishbowls, getting hurt to work graveyard shifts, and see a group of some characters coming in with some things. (Hector listens) Adolph: Some girls came out and read some books to me and sent garden food to ask myself what it could mean. Hector: About getting back to ME?! Adolph: Listen to the radio. Hector: Yes? Adolph: Someone will talk to you. Hector: (answers) What is it, Sabrina? Adolph: Yes, of course, it's a package for you. Sabrina: I don't think you should have it. Hector: Why? Sabrina: Because it might contain something funny in it. Hector: Just open it! Not that I ever get anything good. No one out there cares if I live or die either. (BOOM!) (Wilhelm scream) (coughs and splutters) Hector: Wow! (shakes himself) (Adolph peeks) Adolph: What happened? Hector: It's true, Adolph! Someone sent a bomb to me! Someone actually wants me dead! But who? I can't think of anyone who would want to kill me. (scratches his head) Adolph: Good news. Someone cares. This is your paper. Hector: I know who it has to be. Let's go. Adolph: Let's see who it is then. (They went off) (to solve the crime) (Birds tweet around Sheila's head) (to make her confused) Sheila: Baby, I like you feet. (smirks) Narrator: Later... (At the prison place) (however) Hector: Thanks for letting us see the prisoner. Obviously, this is a very serious matter. (stifled laughter) I'm the one who had him arrested. I'm sure he's seeking revenge by trying to violently end my life. (laughs) Hector: Phew. Thanks. Man: What makes you something to be a detective? Hector: We make a living on our hunches. I was able to eliminate others I've captured because our cater-to-everyone- but-the-victim legal system let them off on technicalities. Adolph: They were innocent. Hector: Yeah, yeah, that kind of thing. Can we just get on with this? Adolph: Sure. Hector: Lucky for them, they're behind bars. I'd love to teach these brain-dead, bread-and-water-eating scumbags some manners. (UNLOCK) (Hector gasps) (and chuckles) Hector: Sorry, Men. (twiddles his thumbs) Hector: Fact is, some of my best friends are brain-dead, bread-and-water-eating scumbags. (gulps) Prisoners: Oh. (gasp) Hector: Phew. That's close. (sighs with relief) (A prisoner uses a pole) (as a stick) (And jumps over the wall) (to the top) Hector: What happens, Warden? What snaps in a man? What makes him sink so low that he ends up spending an empty lifetime in a hole like this? Warden: Good channel plan. Like the prisoners? Who knows? They used to be kids. Hector: Oh. Warden: There are types of them prisoners for example. Man: Zero coupon bonds! Muni's! Zero coupon bonds! Muni's! Warden: See what I mean by the first types? (Hector trips) (and crashes) (Fighting sounds were heard) (punching and bashing and hitting) (Hector flees): Excuse on that. (leaves) Hector: The cell of Oskar Moo. (seems thoughtful) Hector: Ooh, I'm shaking. I caught him once. I think I'm ready for whatever he's got. (gulps) (Oskar growls and Hector shrieks) (in a man's voice from The Pink Panther) Hector: Gosh! (panics) Oskar: Sorry for scaring you. Just had fun. I'm Oskar. Come on in. (They went in) (with Oskar) (People chat) (as they enter) Hector: You know who I am. Right? Oskar: Why, of course, I do. You're Hector. Hector: That's right. Oskar: And what might I ask brings you here? Adolph: His sister-in-law was chasing him with a waffle iron when he slipped on his son's skateboard and rolled into the street just as Cracker was running to his getaway car causing Cracker to trip over Duckman, flying into a passing police car. Adolph: His sister-in-law was chasing him with a waffle iron when he slipped on his son's skateboard and rolled into the street just as Oskar was running to his getaway car causing Oskar to trip over Hector, flying into a passing police car. (Oskar listens) Hector: You think that was an accident? Ha! And now you've sworn revenge. You're trying to kill me! (Oskar grins) Person: Yes, the parole board called. They'd like to discuss releasing you tomorrow at 2:00. Oskar: Come. Bright this one. Getting jobs is the best thing. I've become rich and famous. Everything's raised in this world with this book. Hector: Okay? Oskar: Yeah. And it's in this book. Person: Arnold's on one-- wants to be in your next exercise video. Two's Gabor about your new line of greeting cards. Oskar: Call them back. And of course here's Religion as well. (Hector grunts) (and groans) Hector: And? Oskar: Sure is great reading these papers, huh? Deliverer: Special delivery. Oskar: Ah... Something's arrived. Hector: I don't buy what you're selling, Moo. Every instinct I've honed over all my years as a detective tells me you're the only one who could be trying to kill me! Oskar: And if you'll excuse me... Hector: Hear what I said? I don't buy what you're selling, Moo. Every instinct I've honed over all my years as a detective tells me you're the only one who could be trying to kill me! (goes to enter) (KABOOM) (Hector coughs) Hector: Of course, I could be convinced otherwise. (shakes himself off) Narrator: Later (They drived along) (together) Hector: I'm feeling a little frazzled-- like things are starting to unravel. I sure could use a chestful o' smoke about now. (SNAP) Hector: AH! (PULL) Hector: Not again. (rubs his hand) Hector: This bomber's going to kill me, Adolph! He finds me everywhere. In my office, In the prison... Adolph: Perhaps your car. Hector: What? Adolph: This one. Hector: Yikes! Get it out! (tosses it out of the car) (into the van) Hector: Close one, Al. At least this time no one got hurt. If. (BOOM!) (Wilhelm scream) (smoke appears) (They park near the house) (and get out of the car) Hector: I don't want to miss dinner. I got to take one more shot at talking to my kids connecting with them, you know, before. (the kids go outside) Jeff: Hey guys. I've had a thought. Todder: Bet it hurt. First one's always the hardest. Jeff: Is it possible to love a sandwich so much that you'll wish to eat it, but if not, it'll be gone? Hector: Hey, kids, I was thinking we could spend a little bit of quality... Jeff: Following the closest to the exhaust. (They laugh) (with joy) (Vivian came out) Vivian: Oh, you're home a bit early. I gave something to the man. Hector: Oh boy. Vivian: A message is given to you about your past and will force you to pay. (Hector gasps in shock) Vivian: Be back at 9:30. (They drive off) (and leave Hector behind) Hector: But wait! Kids! I wanted to... Darn. (frowns) Narrator: 3 Hours Later... (In the attic) (however) Hector: The answer's up here. The bomber said I made a mistake in my past. My whole past is in this attic. What a pigsty! Oh, uh figure of speech. (they open a trunk) Hector: Let's see. (they think) Hector: Hmm... (ponders) (Adolph thinks) Adolph: Any sign of stuff you've got? Hector: You got a shellfish in your nose. Adolph: Oh. Right. So I do. Hector: Aha! Here they are! I knew I had them. The answer's got to be in here. Home movies! Adolph: So that's why. (He straps up Adolph) (accidentally) (Starts the first movie) (playing) Hector: This first one goes back to when I was really young. (Adolph nods) (A tugboat sails along) (and whistles happily) Young Hector: I wanna be captain. Captain: Okay, boy. Just keep calm. Wait your turn. I like trains and boats since then. Young Hector: I want it, I want it, I want it, I want it! (suddenly) Young Hector: What on earth do you want? Sailor: Now remember, boy. Just wait you turn. You can share, you know. And settle down. Young Hector: I want it, I want it, I want it, I want it! Sailor: Now... (Hector stops the film) (being the first film) Hector: So what? So the squeaky-voiced little rodent kissed a few rear ends, made a buck or two. Maybe there's something in these. (gets the second film to play) (Hector as Popeye was tied up to a log) (while someone as Olive Oyl watches tied to the train tracks) (A train was coming) (with a steam engine whistling and hauling some coaches) Woman: Save me, Popeye! Hurry! (Hector pulls out a can of spinach and looks at it) (and goes to eat it) Hector: Who gets to be a hero to eat spinach? (Smokes a cigar) (WHOOSH!) (He coughs and sputters) (as the train whooshes by) (Hector turns it off) (and goes to play the third film) Hector: There's got to be something good I did in here. (plays the third film) (Limestone Park was seen) (and quiet and peaceful) (Hector entered) (to have a look around) (Ranger stares at them) (with confusion) Hector's Pop: Hello Mr. Ranger, Sir. Hector: Hiyah. Ranger: Hello. Hector's Pop: Is there any place we can go to eat? Because my boy will be going to places that he loves to go to. Hector: Uh, Pop, I don't want to go to college. Hector Pop: Why not? You should go. You've been doing great stuff at other places. (He flees) (and is pursued) Hector: Nah! Nah! (runs) (Hector turns it off) (like magic) Hector: Phooey. (scoffs) (Puts in the last movie) (and plays it) Hector: So I met Jennifer instead. That wasn't a mistake. (frowns) (Hector watches the TV) (together) TV: The winner for the jackpot of 400,000 dollars is... Hector Moneo. Hector: That's me! Yay! (cheers with joy) (Until CRUNCH) (BURP) Hector: AH! (gasps) (Tries to suck it out) (but is not stronger) (Jennifer came in) (at last) Jennifer: Honey, you can't use my vacuum for that again. Hector: I'll change the filter. I promise. Jennifer: Honey, what can I do with you? Sometimes I think if anything happens to me will force the kids to my siblings. (They giggled) (with joy) Hector: Don't worry, Jennifer. Nothing will happen to you. (pauses the fourth film) (When they kissed) (and hugged) Hector: Gosh. (smiles) Adolph: Those were four of the best loved films you've ever seen. Hector: I miss her. You know, tomorrow would have been our 10th wedding anniversary. I forgot. I guess I blocked it out. It's the first one I'll be spending without her. Adolph: That makes blame the way for feeling likely. (Suddenly...) (BOOM!) (Hector jumps) (and gasps) Hector: Phew. A dud one, Al. We're safe. Adolph: But it's a letter. Hector: It says, "Hector, I'll see you at your... Grave."? (laughing evilly) Hector: (looks outside) It's that Red Deer. I knew it! (goes outside) Adolph: Time to chase him. (they go to stop) (They drive after him to the grave yard) (by chasing him) (Red Deer ran into the graveyard) (to hide) Hector: What a yutz. Trying to hide with on antler. Might as well send up a warning flare. (snickers) Hector: Like what? No map? (goes to find a map) (They look at it) (and gasp) (They entered the graveyard) (to find Red Deer) (Then suddenly, Hector goofy holler) (and crashed) Hector: Yeow! (Jumps out of a hole) (and hides) Hector: What the...? This is my plot. Jennifer's is right next to it, but I never bought a headstone. (seems confused) Red Deer: Thought you never see me get a headstone? It's a trap. Hector: I never saw it coming. Oh, "rest in pieces," blow me up. Did I mention how much I enjoyed your sense of irony? Red Deer: Actually, I'm not going to blow you up. You'll be chopped down. (Hector screams): No! (runs around) (The headstone fell on Red's toe) (BUMP!) (Chainsaw flies through the air) (suddenly) Hector: Yikes! (panics) (CATCH) (SNATCH) Hector: Oh. (cackles) Now who's the private dick now? Red Deer: I'm so sorry. So sorry. Had to do something to try and make and the others slaves. My life is ruined. Hector: Wait a minute, pal. Hold the phone. You're saying slaves? Gee, I'd remember that. Red Deer: You know. You're right. You're not the guy to be destroyed. Sorry. It's just you like the friends for a squirrel and his gang. Hector: I'm a mongoose. Red Deer: In fact, you're the same type of mongoose as your buddies, since I work for villains during spoof travels. Hector: Listen, I'm, uh I'm a little too depressed to take you down to the police. Can I trust you to turn yourself in? Red Deer: Yeah, sure. How can I feel stupid? Which is why I really work for Lionel Diamond. (Red walks away) Red Deer: Man, the master, and the others will have the heroes as slaves. Hector: You hear him? I'm barely out of fame. Just what he knows. Adolph: That's why he mentioned some heroes during spoof travels and Squirrel Theater plays. Hector: It's true, Adolph. I'm just like that red deer. I lost my identity when I lost my wife. Adolph: Well, you're a good pop to your kids, since Red Deer mentioned some heroes doing spoof travels. Hector: So what? Their own mother didn't think I was up to raising them. And maybe I'm not. Maybe that's why they ignore me. Jennifer made me a better person. Without her here to help, I'm I'm just not a very good father. Adolph: Well, you will be, you'll see. Narrator: The Following Morning... (Hector came back to the house) (feeling sorry) (He refuses to go in) (and stands firm) (The kids came out) (to see him) Hector: Huh? (sees his kids) Jeff: Hey, Dad. Welcome home. Bobby: Happy 10th wedding anniversary. Todder: Even though without mom, we know it's tough. We miss her too. Hector: So that means... All: We all love you. (Jeff shared a sub sandwich with Hector) (as they ate it) (Hector smiles) (happily) Hector: Thank you. Jeff: You're welcome. (Scene closes) (and shuts down) Narrator: The End (Credits plays) (and stops) (Hector Logo) (Stephen Squirrelsky Logo) (Andrew Catsmith Logo) Category:Episodes